I've never in my life wanted to be a Banana Penis as much as I do now!
Monday, July 25, 2011
UFC Ring Girl Arianny Kissing a Banana Penis?!?!?!
I've never in my life wanted to be a Banana Penis as much as I do now!
THE NFL IS BACK!!!!!!
Big Daddy Drew at Deadspin.com says it best below:
"YEEEEAAARGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Oh, God. Holy shit. Oh, man. Someone bring me a helmet so I can bang the earhole. I'm so horny for football right now that I'm ejaculating pure Gatorade. Free agency and training camp and preseason games and fantasy cheat sheets and Reggie Bush will soon be out of a job OMG PLEASURE OVERLOAD PLEASURE OVERLOAD! I just wanna hug and kiss and grope all of you, I'm so happy!
But before we get to the orgiastic celebration of the NFL's return, a couple of mandatory FUCK YOUs.
FUCK YOU, JERRY RICHARDSON. You tried to kill football BUT FOOTBALL WON BECAUSE FOOTBALL IS LOVE. And now you're gonna have to sit there for four years while Cam Newton tries and fails to grasp the nuances of a pro style offense. THIS IS WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU MESS WITH US.
FUCK YOU, VINCENT JACKSON. Yes you, Vincent Jackson! You glass cunt. You nearly ruined it for everyone. I should have expected it coming from you, Vincent Jackson. You've ALWAYS been a piece of shit, Mr. I-Plan-Holdouts-Poorly. You want $10 million extra? Here's an idea, asshole: FUCKING PLAY FOR IT. You and your hamstrings made of wet toilet paper can go eat a bag of loose stool.
FUCK YOU, LOGAN MANKINS. What the fuck do YOU need $10 million extra for? You can't even bother to SHAVE. Why don't you move to Wisconsin and make an album full of haunting acoustic love songs with light electronic flourishes? You had no business holding up this deal, and yet there you were, BEING A PENIS. Everyone with a brain was on the player's side until you and Vincent came along and had to go and play the part of Eddie Murphy's Uncle Gus. YOU TOOK THINGS TOO FAR!
FUCK YOU, JEFFREY KESSLER. You horrible lawyer person. Think you're a big man just because you're the Global Litigation Chair at Dewey & LeBoeuf? KISS MY LEBOEUF, YOU COCKPULLER.
FUCK YOU, NFL OWNERS. There, you got more money. Now you can build a stadium in L.A. and move the Vikings there and they'll probably win a title within three years of moving there because GOD HAS NO SOUL. Remember: we could have been spared all this bullshit if you dicks hadn't decided to be dicks about everything.
FUCK YOU, ROGER GOODELL. You know what? Not presiding over potentially the most damaging work stoppage of the history of American sport was the LEAST you could do. That was your big stupid job. And congrats! You did it. But don't expect people like me to go slobbing your knob over it. Oooh, loogit him! He didn't fuck up! LET'S GIVE HIM A DOLLAR!
FUCK YOU, PETER KING. Everyone else was working during this lockout. What did you do? Fat Fuck!
FUCK YOU, PEOPLE ROOTING FOR THE NFL TO FAIL. I know damn well our lots of people were rooting for the NFL to miss a great number of games and for fans to turn on the league so that they could at last see the NFL for the decidedly evil enterprise it is. WELL YOU CAN FORGET ALL THAT SHIT NOW, YOU COMMIE PINKO SOCIALIST HIPPIE YUPPIE YERBA MATE-DRINKING WHOREBAGS. The NFL is back for another DECADE to unfairly hog coverage of all sports and represent all the things that make Americans so oversized and imperialistic and I LOVE IT. And if you don't, you can go back to CAMBODIA.
WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FOOTBALL FUCK YOU! TODAY IS A RAINBOW!"
Right on Drew!!
Here's a link to the full article at Deadspin:
http://deadspin.com/5824467/fuck-you--the-lockouts-over
Friday, July 22, 2011
Fireside Chat with Tank Johnson (Re-post)
Due to the possibility of the NFL lockout ending soon, here's a re-post of my Fireside Chat with NFL defensive lineman and avid NRA supporter Tank Johnson. Enjoy.
Tank Johnson has a connection with the Seattle area and with yours truly. A good friend of mine growing up, Ryan, went to UW with Tank and considers him a good friend. Through this connection I was able to get tank on the phone for the inaugural Friday segment "Fireside Chat" in which I interview the Seattle area's athletes and news makers. As you may already know, Tank has had some troubles with the law. Here's the most recent news from ESPN.com:
"Chicago Bears defensive lineman Tank Johnson was sentenced Thursday to four months in jail for violating probation in a 2005 gun case.
Johnson was arrested on misdemeanor weapons charges Dec. 14 after police raided his home in the Lake County town of Gurnee, about 40 miles northwest of Chicago, and found six unregistered firearms.
At the time, he was on probation in a November 2005 Cook County case. In that case, he'd pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor charge stemming from an arrest in which a nightclub valet reported seeing Johnson with a handgun in his sport utility vehicle."
I'd never met Tank in person, but I was excited to get the opportunity to interview him. Here's how it went:
SHH - Hey Tank. How are you?
Tank - Good. Thanks.
SHH - Thanks for doing the interview. This is really gonna drive interest in my new blog, having an interview with a big NFL star.
Tank - What? This is for a blog. I thought you were with Sports Illustrated. What the fuck, man?
SHH - Didn't Ryan tell you? Sorry I won't take up too much of your time.
Tank - OK. Hurry up. I gotta go to this shoot in 20 minutes.
SHH - Who are you gonna shoot in 20 minutes? Didn't they take all your guns away?
Tank - I'm not shooting anyone dipshit. I'm shooting a Public Service Announcement on gun safety. Part of the deal I made with the state.
SHH - What else is part of the deal?
Tank - No booze. No drugs. No shootin people. Its the offseason. What the fuck am I gonna do?
SHH - You could work out.
Tank - Fuck off! I'll kill you.
SHH - Sorry about that. Lets talk about your four month jail sentence. What are you gonna do in jail?
Tank - First thing I'm gonna do is find the smallest white guy and kick his ass. You gotta let them know who's boss right away. Make him give me all his cigarettes and shit. Cigarettes are like gold inside the joint. Then I'll sell the cigarettes for protection of my virgin ass.
SHH - But you're six foot three and three hundred pounds? Isn't that enough protection?
Tank - Why do you think I had six guns in my house? I'm a pussy. I can't fight. I can't even watch scary movies like Fight Club without peeing my pants.
SHH - You pee your pants when you watch Fight Club?
Tank - Wait. Don't publish that shit. I'm high man. I've already smoked two blunts today and its only 9 am.
SHH - That's no excuse. I've smoked two blunts today too and I still manage to write this mediocre blog.
Tank - If you publish anything I said I swear you will pay. You might think I only have six guns. How do you know for sure? I may have one on me now. It might be pointed at you. I might be taking the safety off right now. I can see your scrawny white ass in the cross hairs. I got one of those Scarface grenade launching machine gun combos. You better watch your back man.
SHH - You have my word Tank. None of this will ever get out to the public.
Tank - Fuckin right. Say hello to my little friend, bitch!! I'm out.
With that my chat with Tank Johnson was over. I'd say it went well but it really didn't. I seriously think he's gonna kill me if he finds out I posted this. I wrestled with the idea of just letting the story go away, but what kind of fake-ass journalist would I be if I didn't share the interview with my loyal readers? I hope all three of you enjoyed it.
"Chicago Bears defensive lineman Tank Johnson was sentenced Thursday to four months in jail for violating probation in a 2005 gun case.
Johnson was arrested on misdemeanor weapons charges Dec. 14 after police raided his home in the Lake County town of Gurnee, about 40 miles northwest of Chicago, and found six unregistered firearms.
At the time, he was on probation in a November 2005 Cook County case. In that case, he'd pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor charge stemming from an arrest in which a nightclub valet reported seeing Johnson with a handgun in his sport utility vehicle."
I'd never met Tank in person, but I was excited to get the opportunity to interview him. Here's how it went:
SHH - Hey Tank. How are you?
Tank - Good. Thanks.
SHH - Thanks for doing the interview. This is really gonna drive interest in my new blog, having an interview with a big NFL star.
Tank - What? This is for a blog. I thought you were with Sports Illustrated. What the fuck, man?
SHH - Didn't Ryan tell you? Sorry I won't take up too much of your time.
Tank - OK. Hurry up. I gotta go to this shoot in 20 minutes.
SHH - Who are you gonna shoot in 20 minutes? Didn't they take all your guns away?
Tank - I'm not shooting anyone dipshit. I'm shooting a Public Service Announcement on gun safety. Part of the deal I made with the state.
SHH - What else is part of the deal?
Tank - No booze. No drugs. No shootin people. Its the offseason. What the fuck am I gonna do?
SHH - You could work out.
Tank - Fuck off! I'll kill you.
SHH - Sorry about that. Lets talk about your four month jail sentence. What are you gonna do in jail?
Tank - First thing I'm gonna do is find the smallest white guy and kick his ass. You gotta let them know who's boss right away. Make him give me all his cigarettes and shit. Cigarettes are like gold inside the joint. Then I'll sell the cigarettes for protection of my virgin ass.
SHH - But you're six foot three and three hundred pounds? Isn't that enough protection?
Tank - Why do you think I had six guns in my house? I'm a pussy. I can't fight. I can't even watch scary movies like Fight Club without peeing my pants.
SHH - You pee your pants when you watch Fight Club?
Tank - Wait. Don't publish that shit. I'm high man. I've already smoked two blunts today and its only 9 am.
SHH - That's no excuse. I've smoked two blunts today too and I still manage to write this mediocre blog.
Tank - If you publish anything I said I swear you will pay. You might think I only have six guns. How do you know for sure? I may have one on me now. It might be pointed at you. I might be taking the safety off right now. I can see your scrawny white ass in the cross hairs. I got one of those Scarface grenade launching machine gun combos. You better watch your back man.
SHH - You have my word Tank. None of this will ever get out to the public.
Tank - Fuckin right. Say hello to my little friend, bitch!! I'm out.
With that my chat with Tank Johnson was over. I'd say it went well but it really didn't. I seriously think he's gonna kill me if he finds out I posted this. I wrestled with the idea of just letting the story go away, but what kind of fake-ass journalist would I be if I didn't share the interview with my loyal readers? I hope all three of you enjoyed it.
DeMaurice Smith - What the F????? Lockout Update
DeMaurice Smith. You John Witherspoon-looking motherfucker! I’ve been on your side the whole time, I tell you. Many people were hurling poorly veiled racial comments at you and giving you all kinds of horrible, stupid nicknames (Duh Smith! Really?!). But I didn’t do that because I know the players are getting fucked. But now shit is getting REAL and I need you to fucking FOLD. I need you to take whatever piece of shit deal is sitting there and hold onto it like a burn victim clutching the morphine drip. I know it sucks but MY LIFE IS IN DANGER NOW AND I CAN’T AFFORD COMPASSION. FUCKING TAKE THE ROOKIE WAGE SCALE AND GET ON WITH IT BECAUSE I’M NOT GOING TO MAKE IT.
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