SEATTLE HOMETOWN HOMERS

UFC Ring Girl Arianny Kissing a Banana Penis?!?!?!

2011-07-25T18:17:00.000-07:00

I've never in my life wanted to be a Banana Penis as much as I do now!

THE NFL IS BACK!!!!!!

2011-07-25T12:38:00.000-07:00

IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME!!!!!!!!!!

Big Daddy Drew at Deadspin.com says it best below:

"YEEEEAAARGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Oh, God. Holy shit. Oh, man. Someone bring me a helmet so I can bang the earhole. I'm so horny for football right now that I'm ejaculating pure Gatorade. Free agency and training camp and preseason games and fantasy cheat sheets and Reggie Bush will soon be out of a job OMG PLEASURE OVERLOAD PLEASURE OVERLOAD! I just wanna hug and kiss and grope all of you, I'm so happy!

But before we get to the orgiastic celebration of the NFL's return, a couple of mandatory FUCK YOUs.

FUCK YOU, JERRY RICHARDSON. You tried to kill football BUT FOOTBALL WON BECAUSE FOOTBALL IS LOVE. And now you're gonna have to sit there for four years while Cam Newton tries and fails to grasp the nuances of a pro style offense. THIS IS WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU MESS WITH US.

FUCK YOU, VINCENT JACKSON. Yes you, Vincent Jackson! You glass cunt. You nearly ruined it for everyone. I should have expected it coming from you, Vincent Jackson. You've ALWAYS been a piece of shit, Mr. I-Plan-Holdouts-Poorly. You want $10 million extra? Here's an idea, asshole: FUCKING PLAY FOR IT. You and your hamstrings made of wet toilet paper can go eat a bag of loose stool.

FUCK YOU, LOGAN MANKINS. What the fuck do YOU need $10 million extra for? You can't even bother to SHAVE. Why don't you move to Wisconsin and make an album full of haunting acoustic love songs with light electronic flourishes? You had no business holding up this deal, and yet there you were, BEING A PENIS. Everyone with a brain was on the player's side until you and Vincent came along and had to go and play the part of Eddie Murphy's Uncle Gus. YOU TOOK THINGS TOO FAR!

FUCK YOU, JEFFREY KESSLER. You horrible lawyer person. Think you're a big man just because you're the Global Litigation Chair at Dewey & LeBoeuf? KISS MY LEBOEUF, YOU COCKPULLER.

FUCK YOU, NFL OWNERS. There, you got more money. Now you can build a stadium in L.A. and move the Vikings there and they'll probably win a title within three years of moving there because GOD HAS NO SOUL. Remember: we could have been spared all this bullshit if you dicks hadn't decided to be dicks about everything.

FUCK YOU, ROGER GOODELL. You know what? Not presiding over potentially the most damaging work stoppage of the history of American sport was the LEAST you could do. That was your big stupid job. And congrats! You did it. But don't expect people like me to go slobbing your knob over it. Oooh, loogit him! He didn't fuck up! LET'S GIVE HIM A DOLLAR!

FUCK YOU, PETER KING. Everyone else was working during this lockout. What did you do? Fat Fuck!

FUCK YOU, PEOPLE ROOTING FOR THE NFL TO FAIL. I know damn well our lots of people were rooting for the NFL to miss a great number of games and for fans to turn on the league so that they could at last see the NFL for the decidedly evil enterprise it is. WELL YOU CAN FORGET ALL THAT SHIT NOW, YOU COMMIE PINKO SOCIALIST HIPPIE YUPPIE YERBA MATE-DRINKING WHOREBAGS. The NFL is back for another DECADE to unfairly hog coverage of all sports and represent all the things that make Americans so oversized and imperialistic and I LOVE IT. And if you don't, you can go back to CAMBODIA.

WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FOOTBALL FUCK YOU! TODAY IS A RAINBOW!"

Right on Drew!!

Here's a link to the full article at Deadspin:
http://deadspin.com/5824467/fuck-you--the-lockouts-over

Fireside Chat with Tank Johnson (Re-post)

2011-07-22T10:32:00.000-07:00

Due to the possibility of the NFL lockout ending soon, here's a re-post of my Fireside Chat with NFL defensive lineman and avid NRA supporter Tank Johnson. Enjoy.

I'd never met Tank in person, but I was excited to get the opportunity to interview him. Here's how it went:

SHH - Hey Tank. How are you?

Tank - Good. Thanks.

SHH - Thanks for doing the interview. This is really gonna drive interest in my new blog, having an interview with a big NFL star.

Tank - What? This is for a blog. I thought you were with Sports Illustrated. What the fuck, man?

SHH - Didn't Ryan tell you? Sorry I won't take up too much of your time.

Tank - OK. Hurry up. I gotta go to this shoot in 20 minutes.

SHH - Who are you gonna shoot in 20 minutes? Didn't they take all your guns away?

Tank - I'm not shooting anyone dipshit. I'm shooting a Public Service Announcement on gun safety. Part of the deal I made with the state.

SHH - What else is part of the deal?

Tank - No booze. No drugs. No shootin people. Its the offseason. What the fuck am I gonna do?

SHH - You could work out.

Tank - Fuck off! I'll kill you.

SHH - Sorry about that. Lets talk about your four month jail sentence. What are you gonna do in jail?

Tank - First thing I'm gonna do is find the smallest white guy and kick his ass. You gotta let them know who's boss right away. Make him give me all his cigarettes and shit. Cigarettes are like gold inside the joint. Then I'll sell the cigarettes for protection of my virgin ass.

SHH - But you're six foot three and three hundred pounds? Isn't that enough protection?

Tank - Why do you think I had six guns in my house? I'm a pussy. I can't fight. I can't even watch scary movies like Fight Club without peeing my pants.

SHH - You pee your pants when you watch Fight Club?

Tank - Wait. Don't publish that shit. I'm high man. I've already smoked two blunts today and its only 9 am.

SHH - That's no excuse. I've smoked two blunts today too and I still manage to write this mediocre blog.

Tank - If you publish anything I said I swear you will pay. You might think I only have six guns. How do you know for sure? I may have one on me now. It might be pointed at you. I might be taking the safety off right now. I can see your scrawny white ass in the cross hairs. I got one of those Scarface grenade launching machine gun combos. You better watch your back man.

SHH - You have my word Tank. None of this will ever get out to the public.

Tank - Fuckin right. Say hello to my little friend, bitch!! I'm out.

With that my chat with Tank Johnson was over. I'd say it went well but it really didn't. I seriously think he's gonna kill me if he finds out I posted this. I wrestled with the idea of just letting the story go away, but what kind of fake-ass journalist would I be if I didn't share the interview with my loyal readers? I hope all three of you enjoyed it.

NFL Family Circus

2011-07-22T09:54:00.000-07:00

DeMaurice Smith - What the F????? Lockout Update

2011-07-22T09:45:00.000-07:00

DeMaurice Smith. You John Witherspoon-looking motherfucker! I’ve been on your side the whole time, I tell you. Many people were hurling poorly veiled racial comments at you and giving you all kinds of horrible, stupid nicknames (Duh Smith! Really?!). But I didn’t do that because I know the players are getting fucked. But now shit is getting REAL and I need you to fucking FOLD. I need you to take whatever piece of shit deal is sitting there and hold onto it like a burn victim clutching the morphine drip. I know it sucks but MY LIFE IS IN DANGER NOW AND I CAN’T AFFORD COMPASSION. FUCKING TAKE THE ROOKIE WAGE SCALE AND GET ON WITH IT BECAUSE I’M NOT GOING TO MAKE IT.

Hit it Here Griffey!!!!

2009-02-25T14:23:00.000-08:00

It's no secret, I'm a hometown homer fan (hence the name of this blog). So it's understood that I'm extremely pleased to welcome Jr. back to Seattle. But I'm not happy he's back for nostalgic reasons or to see him retire as a Mariner. I think he legitimately can still play this game and he's a significant upgrade at the DH position for the M's.

Let's compare Jr. in 2007 to Jose Vidro in 2007 (the M's DH for the majority of the year). Here's the stat lines:

Griffey (with a torn meniscus):
.249 average, 30 doubles, 18 HR's, 71 RBI, 78 walks, .353 OBP

Vidro (with a sore vag):
.234 average, 11 doubles, 7 HR's, 45 RBI, 18 walks, .274 OBP

On top of Vidro's less-than-impressive stat line is the fact he was paid $8.5 million last season. What a joke!

Now Griffey's contract with the M's carries a base salary of $2 million with incentives (based on plate appearances and attendance) that could push the deal to $5 million. To me, its a no-brainer. And with Griffey's knee at 100% and the opportunity for him to rest his body and play DH, I expect better numbers this year from Jr. Do I expect him to hit .350 with 40 HR's and 120 RBI. Ofcourse not. I think more along the lines of .280 with 25 HR's and 85 RBI.

This Really Happened

2008-07-18T12:38:00.000-07:00

This crazy story comes from my neck of the woods, Wenatchee, where two brothers assaulted a Taco Bell employee. According to the Wenatchee World:

"Wenatchee police suspect Guzman and his 21-year-old brother went around the front counter at Taco Bell on North Wenatchee Avenue at 9:30 p.m. Monday and assaulted a 21-year-old male employee in the kitchen area. Witnesses told police that two suspects punched, elbowed and kicked the victim all over his body. The victim told police he knew his assailants."

By time the police arrive the suspects had fled. The victim gave authorities the names, address and vehicle description of the perps. Now this is where it gets good.

"Two hours later, Wenatchee police arrived at an East Wenatchee residence in the 400 block of South Kentucky Avenue, a home belonging to the suspects' parents. The vehicle described by the victim was at the residence. When questioned, the parents told police the car had been at the house all evening, but in the vehicle police found four cheesy double-beef burritos in a Taco Bell bag."

No surprise, one of the suspects was out of jail on work release and, of course, he failed to return to jail by 2:30am as scheduled. Not very savvy criminals in Wenatchee. I think as a sentence they should make them eat four of the cheesy double-beef burritos each. That should be punishment enough. I mean, who hasn't wanted to jump the counter at a fast food restaurant and choke the pimply-faced 18 year old kid screwing up their order? I think about it every day. I'm thinking about it right now. I said no Mayo, damn it!!

He's Got My Vote

2008-07-16T16:22:00.000-07:00

The Greatest Beer of All Time

2008-06-17T11:44:00.001-07:00

Manny's Pale Ale: A careful selection of Northwest hops, premium barley, and our unique yeast give this ale a rich and complex malty middle with a snappy hop finish. It's truly a micro that finishes crisp, clean, and smooth.

Fuckin right!

I Hate Clay Bennett

2008-06-17T11:09:00.000-07:00

Clay Bennett is a real piece of shit.

Here he is pictured with his "boy-toy" David Stern. The City of Seattle vs. the Sonics case just got underway yesteday. And today Mr. Bennett took the stand and sounded like the rich jack-ass that he truely is. From ESPN:

Under questioning from city of Seattle lawyer Paul Lawrence, Bennett said the $65 million the team could lose if forced to honor the remaining two years of its KeyArena lease is significant but "would not significantly alter" his family's lifestyle.

What a pompous prick! $65 million is nothing to this guy. All he wants is the same thing he wanted when he bought the team: To steal the Sonics and take them to OK City. I hope he chokes on some tumbleweed.

I'm Back!!!!!

2008-06-17T11:01:00.000-07:00

After more than a year, Seattle Hometown Homers is back with new posts. Fresh out of prison (a job in the mortgage industry), I'm back and ready to spew my anger and frustrations and direct my hate towards all that get in my path. Enjoy!

Golf Team Wedgie Hazing Sends Georgia Student to the Emergency Room

2007-03-26T14:57:00.000-07:00

No joke. This really happened. From Fox News:

A 13-year-old Georgia student riding a school bus received a “wedgie” during a school hazing incident so painful that his mother took him to the emergency room.

WJXT-TV reported that the boy, who wished to remain anonymous, is a member of the Charlton County High School junior varsity golf team. He was riding the bus along with varsity members, who held him upside down.

According to WJXT-TV, two older students called the boy to the back of the bus and, in addition to the wedgie, punched the 13-year-old in the groin and stomach — all as a part of an initiation ritual.

"He was bent over and couldn't hardly walk. He cried for probably 30 minutes," Carol said

"It's not funny. It went beyond being a funny little prank," Carol said. "Sometimes people don't know when enough is enough, and I think that's what happened here."

Come on Carol. You have never been a 13 year old boy. Wedgies are a rite of passage for young boys. Sorry to say but your kid is a pussy. Other kids probably got the same treatment and didn't cry for 30 minutes like a little bitch. Your whole family should be punished with ATOMIC wedgies for being related to this guy.

Sergio Didn't Spit...He Just Let it go Down

2007-03-26T12:05:00.000-07:00

"I didn't spit. I just let it go down," said Sergio.

Just let what go down? According to Sergio it wasn't spit. I'm no doctor, but it looked alot like spit. And after reviewing the following video, it is apparent that a combination of mucus and saliva were released from his mouth into the cup. Isn't that spit? Here's the video:

Golf is a frustrating sport. I know from experience. And I can't begin to understand how frustrating it is to lose to Tiger Woods all the time. So I've decided to give Sergio a pass on this one.

Personally, I've been so mad that I wanted to do more than spit in the cup. I'm just lucky the only person I have to duck is the course marshall. Sergio had the crowds there and the millions watching on TV. So maybe a bad choice at the time but its a better way to deal with his frustration than flinging a pitching wedge into the gallery.

Vince Young Fixed the Miss USA Contest

2007-03-26T11:39:00.000-07:00

OK. I'll admit it. I watched some of the Miss USA contest this last weekend. I'm not proud of it but it happened and I caught this little gem. It was the final question section of the pageant. Miss Tennessee, Rachel Smith, was called to the mic. Her final question was from one of the judges, Tennessee Titan quarterback Vince Young. I noticed Young and Miss Tennessee exchanging looks and a smile. She nailed the question and went on to become the new Miss USA.

Does this sound like a fix at all? Mr. Tennessee Vince Young is one of the judges and Miss Tennessee comes away with the crown? There's definitely a conflict of interest here. My prediction is they will wait a few months and then come out as a couple. I can't say I'd do it any different than Young did. Perhaps I'd fornicate with as many states as possible first, but who's saying he didn't do that too. Lucky fucker.

Sonics Dance Team Profile: Staci

2007-03-26T11:04:00.000-07:00

This week's Sonics Dance Team girl is the lovely Staci. I've actually met Staci through a promotion at Pizza Hut. She and another Dance Team member delivered me a pizza one Sunday afternoon. Talk about a big surprise. I just got done taking three giant bong hits when the doorbell rang. When I opened up the door I had no clue what was going on. Two pretty girls wearing Sonics green and Gold were handing me my meatlovers and breadsticks. I ran upstairs and grabbed my camera and the pic is below.

I also know a couple friends at work that know Staci. They tell me that she lives a sort of double-life. I don't want to start any rumors, but again what kind of fake-ass journalist would I be if I didn't. Word on the street is that she loves a little injection of H. A friend of my friend at work actually supplied her with her stuff. Whatever she's taking, it works. She's a firecracker!

In The News

2007-03-23T17:48:00.000-07:00

Here's some of the blog stories this week that caught my eye:

Joey Porter/Levi Jones Fight: The Transcript (The Might MJD)

MLB Doesn't Care About Kids With Cancer (Sports Column)

This is Gonna Work out Great (With Leather)

Akward White Guy News: McRoberts Goes Pro (Why Don't We Get Drunk and Blog)

Ozzie Guillen is Back, and Man, He's the Best(Deadspin)

Who Takes Over For Tubby at Kentucky (Dan Shanoff)

Seahawks re-sign Bobby Engram

2007-03-23T15:26:00.000-07:00

I talk alot of trash about athletes on my blog. I guess I'm just an angry guy. So I decided to write something nice about #84 Bobby Engram. According to the Seattle Times:

"The Seahawks re-signed Bobby Engram, the team announced on Friday afternoon.

Engram was an unrestricted free agent, who has played the past six seasons in Seattle. He caught a team-high 67 passes in 2005, the year the Seahawks went to the Super Bowl.

Engram, 34, visited the Saints as a free agent, but chose to re-sign with Seattle. The team announced it as a multi-year contract. Exact terms of the deal were not available."

Bobby Engram has been the most consistent receiver for the Hawks since he joined the team six years ago. He is Hasslebeck's favorite target on 3rd down and unlike many Seahawks of the past years (D-Jack, Koren Robinson, Jerramy Stevens) Engram can catch the ball on a consistent basis. Engram also brings a presence in the locker room.

"He has been an integral part of this offense in recent seasons," Seahawks president Tim Ruskell said in a statement released by the team, "and will continue to bring veteran leadership in the locker room."

Now the Hawks are free to trade D-Jack although I heard John Clayton on the radio today say the best we could get is a 3rd round pick. Not sure if that is worth it although Seattle has depth at WR with Deion Branch, Engram and Nate Burleson all under contract and D.J. Hackett as a restricted free agent.

Ron Mexico breaks his silence in Bottlegate

2007-03-23T10:40:00.000-07:00

Michael Vick spoke for the first time regarding the January 17th incident that took place at Miami International Airport. It took him over two month to come up with a good excuse. And this is what he came up with. He was hiding jewelry in the bottle. Jewelry?? That's the best he could come up with after two months to think about it? Sounds alot like a stoner.

And the Maimi-Dade PD is not buying his story either. This from The Atlanta Journal-Constitution:

"That's the first we've heard of that," Detective Nelda Fonticella, said when asked if Vick was carrying jewelry in the bottle. "If he has any kind of problem with the way things were handled, then he needs to talk to internal affairs."

Then Vick pokes himself in the eye, forces out a couple tears and claims he's the victim in this case:

"How do you think that made me feel? That was tough on me. That was tough on my family and friends because we knew those accusations weren't right. I said to myself, why even say anything. At the time people were not going to believe me. I just wanted to wait for the results to come back and let the smoke clear and get my head together and enjoy my offseason. It's over. I was cleared, and I was happy about that."

Let the smoke clear? Probably not the best choice of words, Ron. Again, sounds alot like a pothead. Next time you and Marcus should come up with your story before you take bong hits.

Deadspin has a great take on this story.

The Big Lead also takes their shots at Mr. Mexico.

Fat Guy Robot

2007-03-22T11:30:00.000-07:00

Agent 0 is clutch

2007-03-22T10:39:00.000-07:00

I was excited last night to be able to watch Gilbert Arenas play against the Sonics last night. I wanted to see Ray Allen and Agent 0 go at each other. That didn't happen because Allen sat out due to inflammation in his ankle. But Arenas didn't disappoint. He was a one man show pouring in 42 points including a running bank shot at the buzzer to sink the Sonics. I got the shot on video and here it is:

My question is why didn't the Sonics choose to double Arenas on that last possession? I think it has to do with the fact that coach Bob Hill is an idiot. This from the Seattle Times:

"Sonics coach Bob Hill said he didn't want to double-team Arenas to get the ball out of his hands, because Arenas could have passed to an open player."

So let me get this right. You would rather have the best player on the court take the last shot? That makes no sense. You have to make someone other than Arenas beat you. Hill will be looking for a new job soon.

Its Never Offseason at Kissing Suzy Kolber

2007-03-21T16:54:00.000-07:00

My favorite NFL blog never takes a break from giving us good stuff. Even when the NFL is off, these guys keep bringin it. Here's some samples of some of their work. There's a link at the bottom of the post to their site and the rest of the cartoons.

The rest of the cartoons are here:

http://kissmesuzy.blogspot.com/

BREAKING NEWS: Jeff Garcia is not Gay

2007-03-21T16:02:00.000-07:00

What's going on?? Didn't T.O. say he's gay? And T.O. wouldn't lie about something like that. That's not like T.O. Anyway, reports are Garcia and his longtime girlfriend and 2004 Playmate of the Year Carmella DeCesare are getting hitched. I always thought and still strongly believe she is his cover. I mean look at the guy. What a douche bag. There's no way he could pull a chick as hot as Carmella.

His upcoming nuptuals also came up in contract negotiations with the Bucs. This according to the Orlando Sentinel:

"During contract negotiations with Tampa Bay, free-agent quarterback Jeff Garcia let Bucs Coach Jon Gruden know he was getting married in April.

"He told me he was going to bring the playbook to the wedding," Garcia said. "He asked if he could come on my honeymoon."

Gruden was kidding.

Probably."

Now I can see Chucky pullin a chick like Carmella, but not Garcia. I'm gonna have to reluctantly side with T.O. He's gay, gay, gay!!

Sonics Dance Team Profiles: Ali

2007-03-21T10:15:00.000-07:00

Weekly I will profile a different member of the Sonics Dance Team. You may ask me why? Why would anyone want to know about these dancin ladies? Because they are hot, that's why. And any excuse to get more T&A on the site is ok by me.

The first lucky gal is the stunning Ali. Ali is a four year veteran of the squad. She recently signed a 4 year $14 million guaranteed contract. Wait. Sorry. She makes $20 per game and a free hot dog. She enjoys playing pool, poker, hot tubbing and reading Dr. Suess books. Not sure if she does it all at the same time, but I sure hope so. She was on the reality show The Bachelor in Paris and is a former rock-climbing instructor.

But guys watch out. I found a couple red flags in her profile. She lists Britney Spears as her favorite music artist and she loves Nascar. White trash alert!! Not listed on her profile: she can drive her house, brews her own moonshine and her boyfriend and her cousin are very closely related (they are the same person). Don't say I didn't warn you guys.

Fight!!!!!

2007-03-21T10:01:00.000-07:00

Let me just say this first. I'm not a hockey fan. I enjoy going to a live game, but watching it on TV is painful. I'd rather watch the Women's Final Four. I take that back. If I had the choice between watching a hockey game or the Women's Final Four, I'd choose death.

But hockey does have something going for it. Fights. I think its pretty cool that other sports would fine and suspend their players for fighting but the NHL encourages it. Here's a clip from a donnybrook that took place last night.

A Special Message for Jessica Alba

2007-03-20T14:26:00.000-07:00

I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back...

I want to be on you.

National Title Hopes vs. Money & Bitches

2007-03-20T14:01:00.000-07:00

Spencer Hawes has a big decision to make. If he stays at UW for another year, they instantly become a Final Four contender. If he chooses to declare for the NBA Draft, he'll instantly become a millionaire. After my freshman year in college, the big choices I had to make were either McDonald's for dinner or drink the six pack of PBR in the fridge for dinner. And I usually chose the latter.

If the Huskies weren't my favorite CBB team, I really wouldn't care. But they are, so damnit its important. The way I see it, there is a clear choice that Hawes needs to make. He can stay at UW and be BMOC and fornicate with many beautiful college coeds. Or he can cash in on millions of dollars and fornicate with many beautiful NBA groupies.

I did some research on his possible draft position. I went to 10 draft prediction sites. Here's Hawes' position in each site's draft board:

1) NBADraft.net #11
2) HoopHype.com #6
3) Hoopsvibe.com #5
4) insidehoops.com #14
5) Chad Ford ESPN #8
6) mynbadraft.com #6
7) collegehoops.net #5
8) draftexpress.com #7
9) draftdaddy.com #4
10) hoopsaddict.com #16

Word is that Hawes will bail for the NBA if he is a solid top 10 pick. The average draft position of the 10 sites is around #8. Not looking too good for Dawg fans. What would be my advice to Hawes?

As a Husky fan:
Stay. The money will be there next year. You will be a top three pick next year. Also the Dawgs have a legit chance to make it to the Final Four with you on the roster. Think of all the hot college girls hanging all over you.

As a man:
Get your money. You could blow your knee out at anytime. Top 10 picks get big money guaranteed. Don't be an idiot. And you will get just as much tail or more in the league.

Morrison & Reddick: Still Bad Blood

2007-03-20T13:17:00.000-07:00

Adam Morrison and JJ Reddick were the talk of college basketball last year at this time. ESPN and CBS were swingin from their nuts all year long. And all the player of the year talk made me wanna puke. One year later and there's still bad blood between the two. They are both such huge competitors. The only difference now is they are both rich and they are chasing after another trophy. And now their battle is off the court. This is the true test of manhood: Who can pull the hottest tail?

And the winner is...

Morrison. That chick with Reddick looks like she has a lazy eye. And I'm sure she thinks his lavender shirt is cute. The fact that Morrison pulls that kind of tail with the nasty porno stache gives him the overwhelming advantage.

The NFL Has a Full-Blown Image Problem

2007-03-20T12:44:00.000-07:00

It seems like everyday the NFL has another player in the news and not in a good way. Pac-Man Jones "making it rain" at the All-Star Game, Dominic Rhodes DUI and peeing his pants, Joey Porter decking Levi Jones at the Palms, Jerramy Stevens DUI and marijuana arrest, the Cincinnati Bengals. The NFL has a problem. A big one. Now this story coming from Atlanta. Early Sunday morning, a 29 year old woman claims she was raped at the home of new Seahawk DE Patrick Kerney. This from cbssportsline.com:

"The 29-year-old woman told police she and some friends were at a bar in Atlanta's trendy Buckhead area and accepted a ride home from three men, Atlanta's WSB-TV reported Monday.

Once back at Kerney's home, the men were invited inside for drinks.

The woman reportedly told police she fell asleep on a sofa and woke up in a bedroom to find one of the men raping her. The woman said she told the man to stop but he put his thumb on her throat and continued to sexually assault her."

Now this is where the story gets interesting.

"The woman escaped by telling the man she would get a friend to join them. Instead, she ran to the bathroom with a friend, and the man fled with his friends."

Smart chick. She pulls out the old "Let me go get my hot friend for a three-way" trick. And get this, he falls for it.

Our friends at The Big Lead http://thebiglead.com/ have some great coverage of this story including this update:

UPDATE:
Our Georgia tipster says that Atlanta radio is buzzing with rumors and innuendo. “The Lodge, where the party started, was the big happening with [Kerney’s] former teammates. Then the afterparty went to his house. Word is the suspect was african american and a former player.” We’ll keep the updates coming as we get them.

Stay tuned.

Tourney Time: Cougs Round 2

2007-03-19T14:06:00.000-07:00

They Couged it! The magical season has come to an end. Eight minutes into the second half WSU held the lead at 51-43. They seemed poised to lock down the clamps on Vanderbilt's offense and breeze into the sweet 16. Unfortunately, Southeastern Conference player of the year, Derrick Byars didn't get the memo. With defensive specialist Kyle Weaver guarding him, Byars hit three long range buckets in next six possesions to give Vandy the lead at 52-51. That began the monumental collapse. Weaver had turnovers on three of the next four possesions and finished the game with a season high eight turns. The Seattle Times reported it like this:

"The second (turnover) was a killer, out on top, where Foster picked it, raced the floor and dunked to make it 75-71, Vanderbilt. Then Weaver forced a jumper and finally, Bennett pulled him out of the game.

Maybe he was simply bushed, after 48 grueling minutes. He hinted at that, saying, "I was trying to get guys open shots, I tried to penetrate, and defensively, I was chasing Byars around as well. It was tough."

Excuses. Excuses. Weaver was named to the First Team All-Pac 10 squad this year. He's expected to step up and lead the Cougs. The way he played in the second half, he couldn't even lead a team at my local YMCA. Thirty plus games this year and now he gets tired? Bull shit. He played terrible and should be man enough to take responsibility.

Everybody Loves Josh

2007-03-19T13:53:00.000-07:00

Gonzaga's Josh Heytvelt was arrested 2/9/07 in Cheney, WA and charged with felony possession of psychedelic mushrooms. SHH has received copies of letters written to Judge Michael Price of the Spokane County Superior Court in support of the suspended center. There are several letters coming from various people: aunts and uncles, his grandfather, cousins, teachers, family friends, an attorney, a detective, his high school basketball coach, a pastor, a former marine, his friend's parents, long time neighbors, a fire chief, the Assistant Director of Player Personnel for the Miami Dolphins and from Gonzaga Head Coach Mark Few. Here's an excerpt from Few's letter to Judge Price:

"Josh is a good person with a good heart and our program is willing to give him another chance to realize all his personal, academic, and athletic goals.

We are willing to do whatever we can do to help him in his developmental path toward becoming a person of character and competence. We do believe in another chance/forgiveness when someone states and demonstrates they are committed to going in the right direction."

Translation: Josh is a good basketball player and if he's not on the team next year we're screwed! Please help Judge! Here's a link to the letters via the Spokesman Review:

http://www.spokesmanreview.com/docs/cit_031607_heytvelt_let.pdf

Update:

SHH's crack staff also located one letter to Judge Price that wasn't included with the others. This one portrays Heytvelt in a different light. This letter is from James Dixon, the scapegoat that Heytvelt fingered as the owner of the mushrooms found in the car on that fate full night in February. Here's a piece of the letter:

"Dear Judge Price,

Josh Heytvelt not only betrayed me as a friend, he also broke the unwritten code between dealers and customers. I thought we were tight. We smoked blunts together daily and talked hoops, man. One night, we ate a giant bag of shrooms and he sat in my rec room staring at a Bob Marley black light poster for like seven hours straight. He kept saying, "Dude...Bob Marley's eyes are a trip. It's like they're coming out of his head, man. And that joint he's smokin is shooting out rainbows of skittles and shit."

Man, that brings back memories. Memories that are all now crushed just like my mushroom business. Josh is a selfish, ego-driven prick that thinks he's better than everyone cause he's really tall. I hope he rots in prison like a bitch."

You know, James has a point. Heytvelt is a dirty rat. If you get caught with drugs, you man up and claim them as your own, especially when they are in the back of YOUR vehicle sticking out of an athletic bag with YOUR name and number on it. Its the code of the streets. Heytvelt's lucky that James is a harmless hippie drug dealer, not a gun-toting thug.

You can take the homeboy out the hood but you can't take the hood out the homeboy

2007-03-19T10:48:00.000-07:00

Just over a year ago Joey Porter and Jerramy Stevens battled in a war of words prior to Super Bowl XL. I thought the media was grasping for any type of trash talk to stimulate interest in the game. Before this verbal battle, the biggest story of the game was Jerome "fat ass" Bettis returning to Detroit. Long story short, Stevens dropped many important passes, the refs bent over the Hawks and the rest is history.

So its kinda ironic that during the heart of the NCAA Tournament, these two jokers are back to making bad news. Porter had an exciting weekend in Vegas without "making it rain." This is what the Las Vegas Review-Journal is reporting:

A National Football League player was cited for misdemeanor battery after he punched a league rival in the face Sunday night at a gaming table in the Palms, Las Vegas police said.

Linebacker Joey Porter, a longtime Pittsburgh Steeler who signed a five-year, $32 million deal with the Miami Dolphins this month, was cited for the brief fight he had with Levi Jones, an offensive tackle with the Cincinnati Bengals, in the casino about 6:55 p.m., Las Vegas police Lt. Kevin McMahill said.

"Apparently these two have a history with each other, a history of trash talking on the field," McMahill said.

This guy has issues. And those issues revolve around rage. So what kind of substance when injected into one's body would result in problems controlling rage? Milk? No. Vitamin B-12 shot from Miguel Tejada? Possibly. Many years of Steroids?? Ding. Ding. Congrats Miami on your new free agent!

Stevens is really a tool

2007-03-19T09:33:00.000-07:00

And just when you think the Jerramy Stevens saga is over, now this information comes to light. Allegedly he's not a very considerate neighbor. For some reason, this doesn't surprise me at all. Nicole Brodeur of the Seattle Times writes:

One resident woke to find his deck splattered with vomit. Another found used condoms. Others told of being awakened at 3 a.m. by loud fights, or were startled by strangers who partook of their patios. And they have had it. The noise, the fear and the man behind it — fifth-floor resident Jerramy Stevens.

He has parties that last all night. He has set off illegal fireworks from his deck, showering other units with debris. He takes up two spaces in a lot reserved for the building's retail shops. He gives the building security code to friends, who walk in at all hours.

The residents at the high-end condo complex Astoria at Meydenbauer have had enough. They drafted a letter to Stevens calling him to a board meeting to discuss the complaints against him. And with the letter comes a stern warning. You fail to show up for the meeting and we'll send you another letter. Damn. The board is a bunch of hard-asses. They really drew a line in the sand. Lucky for them, Stevens should shortly become a full-time resident of McNeil Island Penitentiary. And when he arrives there, the shoe will be on the other foot and most likely up his ass.

Tourney Time: Zags Round 1

2007-03-16T12:23:00.000-07:00

DJ White was dominant in the second half and Roderick Wilmont's six three pointers ended the toughest season in Mark Few's career as head coach at GU. Not having Heytvelt was huge for the Zags. Neither Mallon, Kuso or Pendergraft could handle DJ White in the post. Here's a bit from the Spokesman Review:

"Plagued by bad shooting, poor decision-making, untimely turnovers, a baffling lack of energy and Indiana's solid defensive pressure, the Bulldogs wrote a rather uninspired ending to a crazily uneven basketball season, falling to the Hoosiers 70-57 in what proved to be the final game for seniors Derek Raivio and Sean Mallon.

The 10th-seeded Zags, who led once – and briefly, at that – never found any kind of offensive rhythm against seventh-seeded IU, shooting a season-low 33.9 percent (19 of 56) from the field, missing far too many close-range gimmes and turning the ball over 13 times."

But at least we didn't have to see Adam Morrison break down and cry again. What a pussy.

A Fireside Chat With...Tank Johnson

2007-03-16T12:03:00.000-07:00

Tank Johnson has a connection with the Seattle area and with yours truly. A good friend of mine growing up, Ryan, went to UW with Tank and considers him a good friend. Through this connection I was able to get tank on the phone for the inaugural Friday segment "Fireside Chat" in which I interview the Seattle area's athletes and news makers. As you may already know, Tank has had some troubles with the law. Here's the most recent news from ESPN.com:

"Chicago Bears defensive lineman Tank Johnson was sentenced Thursday to four months in jail for violating probation in a 2005 gun case.

Johnson was arrested on misdemeanor weapons charges Dec. 14 after police raided his home in the Lake County town of Gurnee, about 40 miles northwest of Chicago, and found six unregistered firearms.

At the time, he was on probation in a November 2005 Cook County case. In that case, he'd pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor charge stemming from an arrest in which a nightclub valet reported seeing Johnson with a handgun in his sport utility vehicle."

I'd never met Tank in person, but I was excited to get the opportunity to interview him. Here's how it went:

SHH - Hey Tank. How are you?

Tank - Good. Thanks.

SHH - Thanks for doing the interview. This is really gonna drive interest in my new blog, having an interview with a big NFL star.

Tank - What? This is for a blog. I thought you were with Sports Illustrated. What the fuck, man?

SHH - Didn't Ryan tell you? Sorry I won't take up too much of your time.

Tank - OK. Hurry up. I gotta go to this shoot in 20 minutes.

SHH - Who are you gonna shoot in 20 minutes? Didn't they take all your guns away?

Tank - I'm not shooting anyone dipshit. I'm shooting a Public Service Announcement on gun safety. Part of the deal I made with the state.

SHH - What else is part of the deal?

Tank - No booze. No drugs. No shootin people. Its the offseason. What the fuck am I gonna do?

SHH - You could work out.

Tank - Fuck off! I'll kill you.

SHH - Sorry about that. Lets talk about your four month jail sentence. What are you gonna do in jail?

Tank - First thing I'm gonna do is find the smallest white guy and kick his ass. You gotta let them know who's boss right away. Make him give me all his cigarettes and shit. Cigarettes are like gold inside the joint. Then I'll sell the cigarettes for protection of my virgin ass.

SHH - But you're six foot three and three hundred pounds? Isn't that enough protection?

Tank - Why do you think I had six guns in my house? I'm a pussy. I can't fight. I can't even watch scary movies like Fight Club without peeing my pants.

SHH - You pee your pants when you watch Fight Club?

Tank - Wait. Don't publish that shit. I'm high man. I've already smoked two blunts today and its only 9 am.

SHH - That's no excuse. I've smoked two blunt today too and I still manage to write this mediocre blog.

Tank - If you publish anything I said I swear you will pay. You might think I only have six guns. How do you know for sure? I may have one on me now. It might be pointed at you. I might be taking the safety off right now. I can see your scrawny white ass in the cross hairs. I got one of those Scarface grenade launching machine gun combos. You better watch your back man.

SHH - You have my word Tank. None of this will ever get out to the public.

Tank - Fuckin right. Say hello to my little friend, bitch!! I'm out.

With that my chat with Tank Johnson was over. I'd say it went well but it really didn't. I seriously think he's gonna kill me if he finds out I posted this. I wrestled with the idea of just letting the story go away, but what kind of fake-ass journalist would I be if I didn't share the interview with my loyal readers? I hope all three of you enjoyed it.

No he never took any HGH

2007-03-15T15:47:00.000-07:00

Gary Matthews Jr. finally broke his silence to proclaim his innocence in the internet based HGH scandal. This past offseason he signed a 5 year $50 million contract with the Angels. This announcement was not surprising since Angels owner Artie Moreno was contemplating voiding the new contract. From ESPN.com:

"I have never taken HGH -- during the 2004 season or any other time. Nobody has accused me of doing so, and no law enforcement authority has said I am a target of any investigation for doing so," Matthews said in a statement released by the team.

I think Matthews is full of shit. The HGH was delivered to him. They have his name on the documents. Lets see...last year he had a career year in batting .313, home runs 19, and RBI 79 along with making sick catches like the one in the picture. He's definately guilty. Watch his numbers take a dramatic slide this year.

Tourney Time: Cougs Round 1

2007-03-15T15:22:00.000-07:00

Oral Roberts put up a tough fight in the first half. But the suffocating defense of the Cougs took over in the second half. Ivory Clark was a beast swatting away 5 shots along with a couple monster dunks. I knew the Cougs were looking good at halftime only trailing by 2 when they shot 30%. They started making shots in the second half and cruised to the victory. It looks like Vandy will be the next opponent as they are crushing GW currently. From the Seattle Times:

Clark punctuated the victory with a tip-in at 2:05 left to put the Cougars ahead 67-52, throwing up his arms in triumph as the ball fell through the hoop.

The game ended with Clark cradling the ball, then tossing it to the air to celebrate WSU's first NCAA tournament win since beating Weber State in the first round in 1983.

It was WSU's first NCAA tournament appearance since 1994, a first-round loss to Boston College in Washington D.C.

Vandy looked pretty athletic but I still think the Cougs defense will shut them down.

So who was it???

2007-03-14T19:57:00.000-07:00

By now everyone has heard about the story with the LSU women's basketball coach Pokey Chatman and her innapropriate sexual relationship with a former player. Personally I think its hot and I encourage this type of behavior. Sure she may have taken advantage of her authority as coach, but if the results of that are two women gettin it on I'm all for it. Now comes the question: Who is the former player or players that were involved? Who was wearing the strap-on and giving Pokey some pokey pokey? I've done some investigating and here's what I came up with. Multiple sources within the LSU athletic department told ESPN.com that there is no evidence of inappropriate behavior with any current players. So I researched LSU's roster from the past years. Here's a few former players that I believe could be the mystery crack snacker.

1) Crystal White
Crystal was a senior in 04-05. Here's some info about Crystal from LSU's women's basketball website:

PERSONAL:
Full name is Crystal Nicole White ... Born on January 5, 1982 in Newport News, Va. ... Daughter of Otis and Linda White ... Has one brother, James ... An excellent student in high school, she was a member of the National Honor Society, Y.E.S. Club, Who's Who Among America's High School Students, Youth Forum, Business Professionals of America, Key Club and Yearbook ... Was a four-year honor roll student and posted a 3.4 grade point average in high school ... Received a bachelors degree in general studies in August of 2004 and is currently pursuing a masters in social work.

National Honor Society, Y.E.S. Club, Who's Who, Youth Forum, Key Club and Yearbook. Oh yeah, she's a carpet muncher. And she's pursuing a masters degree in social work. That screams out GAY.

2) Temeka Johnson
Temeka was also a senior in 04-05. Here's her personal info:

PERSONAL:
Full name is Temeka Rochelle Johnson ... Goes by ?Meek? ... Born Sept. 6, 1982 in New Orleans ... Daughter of Veronica Johnson ... Raised by her grandmother, Jewel Johnson ... Has three siblings: Valencia, Earl and Latifah ... Her uncle Keith Johnson played professional basketball in Russia and Venezuela ... Has an unusual superstition of having to have her ankles taped the same way before every game ... Graduated in August with a degree in general studies.

So she goes by "Meek". Sounds like Pokey's pet name for her stuck. And she has an unusual superstition involving taping her ankles. What they didn't explain is that the trainer tapes up her ankles while Pokey munches her box.

3) Seimone Augustus
Seimone graduated after last season and was the #1 pick in the WNBA draft. If she's in the WNBA then there's at least a 75% chance she's gay. And then this info from the LSU women's basketball website:

PERSONAL:
Born April 30, 1984, in Baton Rouge ... Daughter of Seymore and Kim Augustus ... Ranked sixth among 214 students in the senior class at Capitol High School ... Carried a 3.71 grade point average in accelerated classes ... Volunteers at the Gus Young Center in Baton Rouge ... Received the "Community Service Award" during the 2001 NAACP Freedom Fund Banquet ... Graduated this past August with a general studies degree ... Enjoys fashion and classic cars, including Chevy Impala's from the 1960's.

She enjoys fashion and classic cars? Enough said.

So who do you think it was? My vote is for Meek. Just a gay nickname. By the way, sorry for writing about beaver ball. I promise I won't write about it very much.

They Work Hard for their Money

2007-03-14T14:55:00.000-07:00

Sonics vs. Pistons 3/13/07

2007-03-14T13:06:00.000-07:00

There are three things my friend Caleb loves. Weed, chardonnay and the Sonics. Fortunately, last night we enjoyed an abundance of all three. Fun stuff.

We left work right at six and headed to Caleb's apartment to pre-funk. I decided to go with the Caleb cocktail which happens to be a $4.95 bottle of chardonnay straight out of the bottle. No wine glass. Who needs a wine glass? Fuckin yuppies.

The wine was flowing as we passed around the peace pipe and watched the pregame on TV. And let me say Kevin Calabro is the best anouncer in the NBA. And Lenny Wilkins is funny as shit. So we each finished of a bottle of chardonnay, got super Chinese eyed and headed off to the Key.

It was an exciting game. Ray Allen had a chance to tie the game with less than 10 seconds left. But just like it has been all year, the Sonics can't hit big shots in the fourth quarter. And Detroit made those shots. Chris Webber made Petro his bitch late in the game and Mr. Big Shot Billups sunk the Sonics with a late three.

Here's a few videos I took at the game. Stay tuned. Golden State on Saturday night.

I Like Boobs

2007-03-14T12:24:00.000-07:00

And where has Jennifer Love Hewitt disapeared to? Fuck it. She still has a great rack.

Preparing to Coug it with Bennett

2007-03-14T11:37:00.000-07:00

WSU is already trying to prevent national coach of the year Tony Bennett from leaving the farm down in the palouse. According to the Seattle Times:

Some influential Washington State alumni concerned about retaining national coach of the year Tony Bennett have launched a drive to raise money to try to entice Bennett to remain at WSU. Cougars athletic director Jim Sterk said Tuesday an e-mail campaign to alumni in recent weeks has raised "pledges of upwards of a quarter-million dollars."

Only a quarter million bucks? Thats not gonna keep him there. He's in a contract right now that pays him two million over five years. He's gonna get at least one million a year from a "big time" program. My guess is that he'll go to a Big 10 program like Michigan or Minnesota and get the hell out of Pullman.

Sonics Dunking Ushers Suck!!!

2007-03-14T11:29:00.000-07:00

This is a video I took at the Sonics game a couple weeks ago. The dunking ushers start out hot and its all down hill from there. I haven't seen so many missed dunks since the whole Nate Robinson fiasco a couple years ago. Enjoy.

Where is Melissa Stark??

2007-03-13T16:10:00.000-07:00

I love Melissa Stark. What ever happened to her??

I think she is much sexier than Lisa Guerrero, Suzy Kolber & Leslie Visser combined. And she knew her shit. My guess is the network wanted her to get a boob job and she refused. Bitch!

Sonics Post Game Reports

2007-03-13T15:56:00.000-07:00

I've got tickets for the last 10 Sonics home games starting tonight vs. the Pistons. I will be doing post game reports on all of them focusing on what I can remember about the game the prior night. My friend Caleb has an apartment right across the street from Key Arena. So we do some serious pre-funking to try to avoid buying $50 worth of beers (three 16 ounce cans).

Caleb likes to drink a bottle of Chardonnay before the game and has had the tendancy to pass out during the 4th quarter. I will also be submitting videos of highlights and lowlights from my experiences. I hope you enjoy.

Hawks Sign Veteran TE Pollard

2007-03-13T15:49:00.000-07:00

Pollard is a proven pass-catching TE that should compliment Will Hellar as the priamry blocking TE. The Seattle Times reported:

Pollard, 35, received a one-year contract with guaranteed money, though exact financial terms of the deal are unavailable. The 12-year pro spent the past two seasons with the Detroit Lions and the previous 10 with the Indianapolis Colts.

Pollard gives the Seahawks a proven pass receiver. He has 321 receptions for 4,007 yards and 38 touchdowns in his career. Pollard has caught 40 or more passes in a season four times.
He had 46 catches for 516 yards and three touchdowns in 2005, but dropped off to 12 catches for 100 yards last season.

My main concerns are his age (35) and his drop in production from 46 catches in 2005 to 12 catches last season. But I guess a change in QB from Peyton Manning to Jon Kitna may have had something to do with that. But at least the Hawks have gotten rid of a serious problem in Jerramy Stevens.

Stevens is a tool

2007-03-13T15:33:00.000-07:00

Our good buddy Jerramy Stevens was arrested (no shit?) in Scottsdale, AZ last night for DUI and...DUI and...DUI and...............smokin the reefer!! This from the Arizona Republic.

Stevens was pulled over for driving erratically along Indian School Road near 81st Street in a rented 2007 Chrysler 300 sedan. The arresting officer said Stevens' eyes were "bloodshot, watery and half-closed."

"As (Stevens) exited the truck he dropped his cellphone and wallet on the ground, bent down to pick them up, then stutter-stepped as he started to walk in my direction," the report said.

Stevens, a resident of Bellevue, Wash., was taken to Scottsdale Police District 1 headquarters after he refused a portable Breathalyzer test. Officers obtained a search warrant and eventually drew two vials of blood around 5 a.m.

What a fuckin tool. He's a free agent with a sketchy past off the field along with a growing reputation as a cheap thug and choke artist on the field. Nobody's gonna pay this guy. Good thing for the Hawks they signed Marcus Pollard today to fill the void Stevens left.