THE NFL IS BACK!!!!!!

IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME!!!!!!!!!!
 
Big Daddy Drew at Deadspin.com says it best below:

"YEEEEAAARGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! 

Oh, God. Holy shit. Oh, man. Someone bring me a helmet so I can bang the earhole. I'm so horny for football right now that I'm ejaculating pure Gatorade. Free agency and training camp and preseason games and fantasy cheat sheets and Reggie Bush will soon be out of a job OMG PLEASURE OVERLOAD PLEASURE OVERLOAD! I just wanna hug and kiss and grope all of you, I'm so happy!

But before we get to the orgiastic celebration of the NFL's return, a couple of mandatory FUCK YOUs.

FUCK YOU, JERRY RICHARDSON. You tried to kill football BUT FOOTBALL WON BECAUSE FOOTBALL IS LOVE. And now you're gonna have to sit there for four years while Cam Newton tries and fails to grasp the nuances of a pro style offense. THIS IS WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU MESS WITH US.

FUCK YOU, VINCENT JACKSON. Yes you, Vincent Jackson! You glass cunt. You nearly ruined it for everyone. I should have expected it coming from you, Vincent Jackson. You've ALWAYS been a piece of shit, Mr. I-Plan-Holdouts-Poorly. You want $10 million extra? Here's an idea, asshole: FUCKING PLAY FOR IT. You and your hamstrings made of wet toilet paper can go eat a bag of loose stool.

FUCK YOU, LOGAN MANKINS. What the fuck do YOU need $10 million extra for? You can't even bother to SHAVE. Why don't you move to Wisconsin and make an album full of haunting acoustic love songs with light electronic flourishes? You had no business holding up this deal, and yet there you were, BEING A PENIS. Everyone with a brain was on the player's side until you and Vincent came along and had to go and play the part of Eddie Murphy's Uncle Gus. YOU TOOK THINGS TOO FAR!

FUCK YOU, JEFFREY KESSLER. You horrible lawyer person. Think you're a big man just because you're the Global Litigation Chair at Dewey & LeBoeuf? KISS MY LEBOEUF, YOU COCKPULLER.

FUCK YOU, NFL OWNERS. There, you got more money. Now you can build a stadium in L.A. and move the Vikings there and they'll probably win a title within three years of moving there because GOD HAS NO SOUL. Remember: we could have been spared all this bullshit if you dicks hadn't decided to be dicks about everything.

FUCK YOU, ROGER GOODELL. You know what? Not presiding over potentially the most damaging work stoppage of the history of American sport was the LEAST you could do. That was your big stupid job. And congrats! You did it. But don't expect people like me to go slobbing your knob over it. Oooh, loogit him! He didn't fuck up! LET'S GIVE HIM A DOLLAR!

FUCK YOU, PETER KING. Everyone else was working during this lockout. What did you do? Fat Fuck!

FUCK YOU, PEOPLE ROOTING FOR THE NFL TO FAIL. I know damn well our lots of people were rooting for the NFL to miss a great number of games and for fans to turn on the league so that they could at last see the NFL for the decidedly evil enterprise it is. WELL YOU CAN FORGET ALL THAT SHIT NOW, YOU COMMIE PINKO SOCIALIST HIPPIE YUPPIE YERBA MATE-DRINKING WHOREBAGS. The NFL is back for another DECADE to unfairly hog coverage of all sports and represent all the things that make Americans so oversized and imperialistic and I LOVE IT. And if you don't, you can go back to CAMBODIA.

WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FOOTBALL FUCK YOU! TODAY IS A RAINBOW!"

Right on Drew!! 

Here's a link to the full article at Deadspin:
http://deadspin.com/5824467/fuck-you--the-lockouts-over

Fireside Chat with Tank Johnson (Re-post)

Due to the possibility of the NFL lockout ending soon, here's a re-post of my Fireside Chat with NFL defensive lineman and avid NRA supporter Tank Johnson.  Enjoy.

Tank Johnson has a connection with the Seattle area and with yours truly. A good friend of mine growing up, Ryan, went to UW with Tank and considers him a good friend. Through this connection I was able to get tank on the phone for the inaugural Friday segment "Fireside Chat" in which I interview the Seattle area's athletes and news makers. As you may already know, Tank has had some troubles with the law. Here's the most recent news from ESPN.com:

"Chicago Bears defensive lineman Tank Johnson was sentenced Thursday to four months in jail for violating probation in a 2005 gun case.

Johnson was arrested on misdemeanor weapons charges Dec. 14 after police raided his home in the Lake County town of Gurnee, about 40 miles northwest of Chicago, and found six unregistered firearms.

At the time, he was on probation in a November 2005 Cook County case. In that case, he'd pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor charge stemming from an arrest in which a nightclub valet reported seeing Johnson with a handgun in his sport utility vehicle."

I'd never met Tank in person, but I was excited to get the opportunity to interview him. Here's how it went:

SHH - Hey Tank. How are you?

Tank - Good. Thanks.

SHH - Thanks for doing the interview. This is really gonna drive interest in my new blog, having an interview with a big NFL star.

Tank - What? This is for a blog. I thought you were with Sports Illustrated. What the fuck, man?

SHH - Didn't Ryan tell you? Sorry I won't take up too much of your time.

Tank - OK. Hurry up. I gotta go to this shoot in 20 minutes.

SHH - Who are you gonna shoot in 20 minutes? Didn't they take all your guns away?

Tank - I'm not shooting anyone dipshit. I'm shooting a Public Service Announcement on gun safety. Part of the deal I made with the state.

SHH - What else is part of the deal?

Tank - No booze. No drugs. No shootin people. Its the offseason. What the fuck am I gonna do?

SHH - You could work out.

Tank - Fuck off! I'll kill you.

SHH - Sorry about that. Lets talk about your four month jail sentence. What are you gonna do in jail?

Tank - First thing I'm gonna do is find the smallest white guy and kick his ass. You gotta let them know who's boss right away. Make him give me all his cigarettes and shit. Cigarettes are like gold inside the joint. Then I'll sell the cigarettes for protection of my virgin ass.

SHH - But you're six foot three and three hundred pounds? Isn't that enough protection?

Tank - Why do you think I had six guns in my house? I'm a pussy. I can't fight. I can't even watch scary movies like Fight Club without peeing my pants.

SHH - You pee your pants when you watch Fight Club?

Tank - Wait. Don't publish that shit. I'm high man. I've already smoked two blunts today and its only 9 am.

SHH - That's no excuse. I've smoked two blunts today too and I still manage to write this mediocre blog.

Tank - If you publish anything I said I swear you will pay. You might think I only have six guns. How do you know for sure? I may have one on me now. It might be pointed at you. I might be taking the safety off right now. I can see your scrawny white ass in the cross hairs. I got one of those Scarface grenade launching machine gun combos. You better watch your back man.

SHH - You have my word Tank. None of this will ever get out to the public.

Tank - Fuckin right. Say hello to my little friend, bitch!! I'm out.

With that my chat with Tank Johnson was over. I'd say it went well but it really didn't. I seriously think he's gonna kill me if he finds out I posted this. I wrestled with the idea of just letting the story go away, but what kind of fake-ass journalist would I be if I didn't share the interview with my loyal readers? I hope all three of you enjoyed it.

NFL Family Circus

DeMaurice Smith - What the F????? Lockout Update

DeMaurice Smith. You John Witherspoon-looking motherfucker! I’ve been on your side the whole time, I tell you. Many people were hurling poorly veiled racial comments at you and giving you all kinds of horrible, stupid nicknames (Duh Smith! Really?!). But I didn’t do that because I know the players are getting fucked. But now shit is getting REAL and I need you to fucking FOLD. I need you to take whatever piece of shit deal is sitting there and hold onto it like a burn victim clutching the morphine drip. I know it sucks but MY LIFE IS IN DANGER NOW AND I CAN’T AFFORD COMPASSION. FUCKING TAKE THE ROOKIE WAGE SCALE AND GET ON WITH IT BECAUSE I’M NOT GOING TO MAKE IT.

Seahawks re-sign Bobby Engram

I talk alot of trash about athletes on my blog. I guess I'm just an angry guy. So I decided to write something nice about #84 Bobby Engram. According to the Seattle Times:

"The Seahawks re-signed Bobby Engram, the team announced on Friday afternoon.

Engram was an unrestricted free agent, who has played the past six seasons in Seattle. He caught a team-high 67 passes in 2005, the year the Seahawks went to the Super Bowl.

Engram, 34, visited the Saints as a free agent, but chose to re-sign with Seattle. The team announced it as a multi-year contract. Exact terms of the deal were not available."

Bobby Engram has been the most consistent receiver for the Hawks since he joined the team six years ago. He is Hasslebeck's favorite target on 3rd down and unlike many Seahawks of the past years (D-Jack, Koren Robinson, Jerramy Stevens) Engram can catch the ball on a consistent basis. Engram also brings a presence in the locker room.

"He has been an integral part of this offense in recent seasons," Seahawks president Tim Ruskell said in a statement released by the team, "and will continue to bring veteran leadership in the locker room."

Now the Hawks are free to trade D-Jack although I heard John Clayton on the radio today say the best we could get is a 3rd round pick. Not sure if that is worth it although Seattle has depth at WR with Deion Branch, Engram and Nate Burleson all under contract and D.J. Hackett as a restricted free agent.

Its Never Offseason at Kissing Suzy Kolber

My favorite NFL blog never takes a break from giving us good stuff. Even when the NFL is off, these guys keep bringin it. Here's some samples of some of their work. There's a link at the bottom of the post to their site and the rest of the cartoons.

The rest of the cartoons are here:

http://kissmesuzy.blogspot.com/

The NFL Has a Full-Blown Image Problem

It seems like everyday the NFL has another player in the news and not in a good way. Pac-Man Jones "making it rain" at the All-Star Game, Dominic Rhodes DUI and peeing his pants, Joey Porter decking Levi Jones at the Palms, Jerramy Stevens DUI and marijuana arrest, the Cincinnati Bengals. The NFL has a problem. A big one. Now this story coming from Atlanta. Early Sunday morning, a 29 year old woman claims she was raped at the home of new Seahawk DE Patrick Kerney. This from cbssportsline.com:

"The 29-year-old woman told police she and some friends were at a bar in Atlanta's trendy Buckhead area and accepted a ride home from three men, Atlanta's WSB-TV reported Monday.

Once back at Kerney's home, the men were invited inside for drinks.

The woman reportedly told police she fell asleep on a sofa and woke up in a bedroom to find one of the men raping her. The woman said she told the man to stop but he put his thumb on her throat and continued to sexually assault her."

Now this is where the story gets interesting.

"The woman escaped by telling the man she would get a friend to join them. Instead, she ran to the bathroom with a friend, and the man fled with his friends."

Smart chick. She pulls out the old "Let me go get my hot friend for a three-way" trick. And get this, he falls for it.

Our friends at The Big Lead http://thebiglead.com/ have some great coverage of this story including this update:

UPDATE:
Our Georgia tipster says that Atlanta radio is buzzing with rumors and innuendo. “The Lodge, where the party started, was the big happening with [Kerney’s] former teammates. Then the afterparty went to his house. Word is the suspect was african american and a former player.” We’ll keep the updates coming as we get them.

Stay tuned.

You can take the homeboy out the hood but you can't take the hood out the homeboy

Just over a year ago Joey Porter and Jerramy Stevens battled in a war of words prior to Super Bowl XL. I thought the media was grasping for any type of trash talk to stimulate interest in the game. Before this verbal battle, the biggest story of the game was Jerome "fat ass" Bettis returning to Detroit. Long story short, Stevens dropped many important passes, the refs bent over the Hawks and the rest is history.

So its kinda ironic that during the heart of the NCAA Tournament, these two jokers are back to making bad news. Porter had an exciting weekend in Vegas without "making it rain." This is what the Las Vegas Review-Journal is reporting:

A National Football League player was cited for misdemeanor battery after he punched a league rival in the face Sunday night at a gaming table in the Palms, Las Vegas police said.

Linebacker Joey Porter, a longtime Pittsburgh Steeler who signed a five-year, $32 million deal with the Miami Dolphins this month, was cited for the brief fight he had with Levi Jones, an offensive tackle with the Cincinnati Bengals, in the casino about 6:55 p.m., Las Vegas police Lt. Kevin McMahill said.

"Apparently these two have a history with each other, a history of trash talking on the field," McMahill said.

This guy has issues. And those issues revolve around rage. So what kind of substance when injected into one's body would result in problems controlling rage? Milk? No. Vitamin B-12 shot from Miguel Tejada? Possibly. Many years of Steroids?? Ding. Ding. Congrats Miami on your new free agent!

Stevens is really a tool

And just when you think the Jerramy Stevens saga is over, now this information comes to light. Allegedly he's not a very considerate neighbor. For some reason, this doesn't surprise me at all. Nicole Brodeur of the Seattle Times writes:

One resident woke to find his deck splattered with vomit. Another found used condoms. Others told of being awakened at 3 a.m. by loud fights, or were startled by strangers who partook of their patios. And they have had it. The noise, the fear and the man behind it — fifth-floor resident Jerramy Stevens.

He has parties that last all night. He has set off illegal fireworks from his deck, showering other units with debris. He takes up two spaces in a lot reserved for the building's retail shops. He gives the building security code to friends, who walk in at all hours.

The residents at the high-end condo complex Astoria at Meydenbauer have had enough. They drafted a letter to Stevens calling him to a board meeting to discuss the complaints against him. And with the letter comes a stern warning. You fail to show up for the meeting and we'll send you another letter. Damn. The board is a bunch of hard-asses. They really drew a line in the sand. Lucky for them, Stevens should shortly become a full-time resident of McNeil Island Penitentiary. And when he arrives there, the shoe will be on the other foot and most likely up his ass.

A Fireside Chat With...Tank Johnson

Tank Johnson has a connection with the Seattle area and with yours truly. A good friend of mine growing up, Ryan, went to UW with Tank and considers him a good friend. Through this connection I was able to get tank on the phone for the inaugural Friday segment "Fireside Chat" in which I interview the Seattle area's athletes and news makers. As you may already know, Tank has had some troubles with the law. Here's the most recent news from ESPN.com:

"Chicago Bears defensive lineman Tank Johnson was sentenced Thursday to four months in jail for violating probation in a 2005 gun case.

Johnson was arrested on misdemeanor weapons charges Dec. 14 after police raided his home in the Lake County town of Gurnee, about 40 miles northwest of Chicago, and found six unregistered firearms.

At the time, he was on probation in a November 2005 Cook County case. In that case, he'd pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor charge stemming from an arrest in which a nightclub valet reported seeing Johnson with a handgun in his sport utility vehicle."

I'd never met Tank in person, but I was excited to get the opportunity to interview him. Here's how it went:

SHH - Hey Tank. How are you?

Tank - Good. Thanks.

SHH - Thanks for doing the interview. This is really gonna drive interest in my new blog, having an interview with a big NFL star.

Tank - What? This is for a blog. I thought you were with Sports Illustrated. What the fuck, man?

SHH - Didn't Ryan tell you? Sorry I won't take up too much of your time.

Tank - OK. Hurry up. I gotta go to this shoot in 20 minutes.

SHH - Who are you gonna shoot in 20 minutes? Didn't they take all your guns away?

Tank - I'm not shooting anyone dipshit. I'm shooting a Public Service Announcement on gun safety. Part of the deal I made with the state.

SHH - What else is part of the deal?

Tank - No booze. No drugs. No shootin people. Its the offseason. What the fuck am I gonna do?

SHH - You could work out.

Tank - Fuck off! I'll kill you.

SHH - Sorry about that. Lets talk about your four month jail sentence. What are you gonna do in jail?

Tank - First thing I'm gonna do is find the smallest white guy and kick his ass. You gotta let them know who's boss right away. Make him give me all his cigarettes and shit. Cigarettes are like gold inside the joint. Then I'll sell the cigarettes for protection of my virgin ass.

SHH - But you're six foot three and three hundred pounds? Isn't that enough protection?

Tank - Why do you think I had six guns in my house? I'm a pussy. I can't fight. I can't even watch scary movies like Fight Club without peeing my pants.

SHH - You pee your pants when you watch Fight Club?

Tank - Wait. Don't publish that shit. I'm high man. I've already smoked two blunts today and its only 9 am.

SHH - That's no excuse. I've smoked two blunt today too and I still manage to write this mediocre blog.

Tank - If you publish anything I said I swear you will pay. You might think I only have six guns. How do you know for sure? I may have one on me now. It might be pointed at you. I might be taking the safety off right now. I can see your scrawny white ass in the cross hairs. I got one of those Scarface grenade launching machine gun combos. You better watch your back man.

SHH - You have my word Tank. None of this will ever get out to the public.

Tank - Fuckin right. Say hello to my little friend, bitch!! I'm out.

With that my chat with Tank Johnson was over. I'd say it went well but it really didn't. I seriously think he's gonna kill me if he finds out I posted this. I wrestled with the idea of just letting the story go away, but what kind of fake-ass journalist would I be if I didn't share the interview with my loyal readers? I hope all three of you enjoyed it.