"Chicago Bears defensive lineman Tank Johnson was sentenced Thursday to four months in jail for violating probation in a 2005 gun case.
Johnson was arrested on misdemeanor weapons charges Dec. 14 after police raided his home in the Lake County town of Gurnee, about 40 miles northwest of Chicago, and found six unregistered firearms.
At the time, he was on probation in a November 2005 Cook County case. In that case, he'd pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor charge stemming from an arrest in which a nightclub valet reported seeing Johnson with a handgun in his sport utility vehicle."
I'd never met Tank in person, but I was excited to get the opportunity to interview him. Here's how it went:
SHH - Hey Tank. How are you?
Tank - Good. Thanks.
SHH - Thanks for doing the interview. This is really gonna drive interest in my new blog, having an interview with a big NFL star.
Tank - What? This is for a blog. I thought you were with Sports Illustrated. What the fuck, man?
SHH - Didn't Ryan tell you? Sorry I won't take up too much of your time.
Tank - OK. Hurry up. I gotta go to this shoot in 20 minutes.
SHH - Who are you gonna shoot in 20 minutes? Didn't they take all your guns away?
Tank - I'm not shooting anyone dipshit. I'm shooting a Public Service Announcement on gun safety. Part of the deal I made with the state.
SHH - What else is part of the deal?
Tank - No booze. No drugs. No shootin people. Its the offseason. What the fuck am I gonna do?
SHH - You could work out.
Tank - Fuck off! I'll kill you.
SHH - Sorry about that. Lets talk about your four month jail sentence. What are you gonna do in jail?
Tank - First thing I'm gonna do is find the smallest white guy and kick his ass. You gotta let them know who's boss right away. Make him give me all his cigarettes and shit. Cigarettes are like gold inside the joint. Then I'll sell the cigarettes for protection of my virgin ass.
SHH - But you're six foot three and three hundred pounds? Isn't that enough protection?
Tank - Why do you think I had six guns in my house? I'm a pussy. I can't fight. I can't even watch scary movies like Fight Club without peeing my pants.
SHH - You pee your pants when you watch Fight Club?
Tank - Wait. Don't publish that shit. I'm high man. I've already smoked two blunts today and its only 9 am.
SHH - That's no excuse. I've smoked two blunts today too and I still manage to write this mediocre blog.
Tank - If you publish anything I said I swear you will pay. You might think I only have six guns. How do you know for sure? I may have one on me now. It might be pointed at you. I might be taking the safety off right now. I can see your scrawny white ass in the cross hairs. I got one of those Scarface grenade launching machine gun combos. You better watch your back man.
SHH - You have my word Tank. None of this will ever get out to the public.
Tank - Fuckin right. Say hello to my little friend, bitch!! I'm out.
With that my chat with Tank Johnson was over. I'd say it went well but it really didn't. I seriously think he's gonna kill me if he finds out I posted this. I wrestled with the idea of just letting the story go away, but what kind of fake-ass journalist would I be if I didn't share the interview with my loyal readers? I hope all three of you enjoyed it.
